In The Game Of “Clue: Family Edition” There’s Only One Loser — The Mom

Anna Jadow
4 min readFeb 11, 2022

The Case File

Yesterday morning in Anytown, USA, Jane Everymom suffered a nervous breakdown. Her therapist has narrowed down the list of potential suspects and modus operandi, but she needs your help to solve the case. If she can’t free Jane from her catatonic state by this evening, Jane won’t be able to make the organic snack spreadsheet for her son’s football team, and the boys will be forced to eat high fructose corn syrup and drink cow’s milk.

To Win The Game You Must Find Out Two Things:

1. Who committed the act that led to Jane’s nervous breakdown?

2. What did they do that pushed her over the edge?

The Suspects and Their M.O.s The Toddler: Destruction

-Woke up at 4:30am and demanded to play “baby”

-Threw Jane’s phone in the toilet

-Conspired with the family cat to mess with Jane’s hair until it was one enormous knot that she had to cut off at the root

The Tween: His Personality

-Constantly irritable. If Jane makes chicken for dinner, the Tween says “We just had that.” If Jane makes pasta, “Pasta is unhealthy.” If Jane makes vegetables, “What are we, vegan?”

-Annoyed by the way Jane’s face looks

-Appalled that Jane said hello to his friends

-Stomps around the house if his hair doesn’t look like a TikTok celebrity’s

-Convinced Jane that she was part of the JFK assassination cover-up, even though she wasn’t born yet

The Husband: Hides in the Bathroom

-”I’ll be in my office for a bit”

-Flushes the toilet four times for effect

-Becomes a toilet salesman

-Becomes the target of a hit

The Customer Service Representative: Unhelpfulness

-I’m SO sorry we sent the wrong parts for your child’s first bed! We’ll send out replacement parts immediately. Oh, we already did that and they still don’t fit? Hmmmm…let me transfer you to my supervisor. *disconnects call*

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Anna Jadow

I say things 🙈 Words in HuffPost, The Belladonna Comedy, Little Old Lady, MuddyUm, Frazzled, The Haven, Scary Mommy, Sammiches